For Lilian Nzogbu, romantic relationships have never really offered much. At the age of ten, she was the victim of an unfortunate rape incident while on holiday at the residence of her maternal uncle in Ihiala and has had to live with the trauma since.
Her family just wanted to put it all behind them and move forward. They spoke of the matter only in hushed tones and thought that the memory would just fade from Lilian’s subconscious. Unfortunately, it didn’t.
That experience, coupled with the attendant mental and psychological issues that came with it, ended up messing with Lolo’s life. She struggled with frigidity and has not been able to enjoy romantic relationships since.
At this point, you might be confused by the word ‘frigidity.’ You probably know the word to be synonymous with freezing weather, so how can one use it to describe a relationship? What does frigid mean in a relationship?
When used to describe a relationship, frigidity can refer to reduced libido and total disinterest in sex between a couple. This could lead them not to show much affection towards each other. And this can often lead to feelings of distance and loneliness in the relationship.
Are you currently having any of these feelings but do not know if it’s frigidity? Then read on, and we will tell you everything you need to know about frigidity in relationships.
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Frigidity in Relationships: What Does It Mean?
Frigidity, when used in describing relationships, is very similar to what it means elsewhere ‘bitterly cold.’ If it occurs in a relationship, one of the partners would be bitterly cold towards the other partner. Such an individual may not feel as enthusiastic about the relationship as their partner and may not be able to reciprocate the love and attention they receive from such a partner.
However, when we think of frigidity, what often comes to mind is that it only affects women. The picture that readily plays on our minds is that of a woman who is uninterested in sex and unwilling to engage in any sexual activity. However, frigidity can occur in both men and women, and it can refer to a lack of interest in sex, an inability to become aroused or reach climax, and pain during or after intercourse.
In fact, if you’re wondering whether you or your partner may be frigid, experts opine that you should answer the 3Ds first. If you or your partner answers in the affirmative to all three questions, it may be frigidity.
So What Is the 3DS?
1. Do you find yourself avoiding sex altogether?
Sex should be an interesting part of your life. As proven over the years, you would naturally be sexually attracted to your partner if there were no underlying issues. But if you find yourself constantly making excuses not to have sex, or you don’t ever feel in the mood, then there is a problem.
Some women avoid sex because they usually feel pain during or after it. Some find themselves disinterested, while some may be unable to get aroused. All this may translate to frigidity.
2. Do you have trouble getting aroused?
If you do try to have sex, do you find it difficult to get turned on? It’s possible that you’re not interested in sex, but it could also be a sign that something is physically wrong. In either case, it might be frigidity, and it’s worth seeking help to see if there’s anything that can be done.
3. Do you have trouble reaching a climax when sleeping with your partner?
You’d have noticed that the 3Ds are in progressive stages. In the first stage, emphasis is on a total lack of interest, while the second stage could see you interested but usually having trouble getting aroused. The third stage is those that get aroused but usually have trouble feeling the earth move.
This means that frigidity is not only about a feeling of disinterest in sexual intimacy or an ability to get sexually aroused. You may be dealing with frigidity even if you manage to get aroused but find it difficult or impossible to reach climax in bed.
So, if you answer in the affirmative to the 3Ds, there may be cause to suspect that you are frigid. In that case, there is a need to establish the situation further by looking at the other signs of frigidity. So, what are the other signs of frigidity?
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Signs of Frigidity
Although you may not notice them, your partner will be more aware of the signs and could deduce that you are frigid if:
1. Attraction to your partner either entirely fades or only comes to the fore occasionally
2. You see sex as an obligation to fulfill rather than as an enjoyable form of intimacy. Similarly, you might find any conversation revolving around sex irritating.
3. You simply lose interest in having sex, even when you are with a partner you love
4. Your body does not respond to the act of having sex, assuming it does occur. You do not feel aroused, have no lubrication, no emotions.
6. You have feelings of dissatisfaction or irritability after any form of sexual intimacy with your partner.
If you or your partner have any of these tendencies, you need to seek help to have a fulfilling relationship.
What Could Cause Frigidity?
There are many potential causes of frigidity in a relationship. However, experts opine that all these causes can be viewed through two distinct prisms, which are:
1. Psychological causes
(i) Long-term stress and exhaustion
People who go through a lot of stress over time could become frigid when the time comes for sexual intimacy. Experts say this may happen even if the individual wishes to be expressive with their partners. In this case, the body responds naturally because it is attempting to safeguard the person against a larger overload. So, even if you want to enjoy the company of your partner, you may find yourself unable to because you have exposed yourself to a lot of stress.
(ii) Sexual Abuse
As in the case of Lilian, whom I spoke about at the beginning of this post, a history of sexual abuse could cause frigidity in later years. Experts say that, even if it occurred many years ago, sexual abuse constitutes a major contributing factor to creating a psychological barrier that could prevent you from enjoying sexual intimacy. Frigidity could even be worse if the negative experience was the first of your life. In this case, you might need professional assistance to help you overcome it.
(iii) Fear of unwanted pregnancy
This is common among young lovers. If the fear of sexual intimacy results in unwanted pregnancy, then the girl cannot relax.
(iv) Customary beliefs/conservatism
In some places, the girls have been told from a tender age that it is wayward to be expressive with the male gender. In such traditions, coldness and detachment are encouraged, and it is not customary not to express emotions. Girls from such places may have known nothing but frigidity all their lives and may not be able to do things differently unless they are re-socialized.
(v) Negative emotions or disgust towards one’s partner
You may also feel disgusted by your partner’s presence, which will definitely lead to frigidity. This may be because the partner has abusive tendencies or a lingering issue that you have been unable to find a common ground on. You may find yourself always at odds with such a partner, and this will cause arguments which can sometimes lead to you getting physical. Such a toxic relationship will naturally kill every form of attraction between you and such a person, and feeling intimately relaxed with them could feel like violence against your own self.
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2. Physiological causes
(i) Genital Injury
If there is an injury to the genitals, then there is a tendency that frigidity will set in.
(ii) Childbirth
The vaginal walls sometimes suffer extensive damage during childbirth, which is another major cause of lack of desire.
Frigidity: Does It Happen to Both Genders?
It’s a common misconception that frigidity is something that only affects women. In reality, both men and women can experience frigidity in a relationship.
What Causes Frigidity in Men?
Men have many possible causes of frigidity, ranging from psychological to physical factors. Some men may become frigid due to anxiety or performance issues related to sexual activity. In other cases, frigidity may result from an underlying medical condition, such as diabetes or low testosterone levels.
Treatment for frigidity in men typically depends on the underlying cause. If anxiety or performance issues are to blame, therapy or counseling may be recommended. But, if a medical condition is causing frigidity, medications or other treatments may be necessary.
How Do I Deal With a Frigid Partner?
If you’re in a relationship with a partner who you think is frigid, it can be tough to know how to deal with the situation. After all, you want to be close to your partner and enjoy a healthy sexual relationship, but it can be difficult to know what to do if they are not interested in any form of intimacy. There are a few things you can do if you’re in this situation:
1. Talk to them about it
It’s important to communicate with your partner about your needs and desires. If you feel frustrated by the lack of intimacy in your relationship, talk to the other partner about it and see how they feel. They may be open to trying new things or may have a reason you didn’t know about. Once you can resolve the issue causing the frigidity, things should get interesting from there.
And if you’re the partner that is feeling disconnected, let your partner know and ask if they’re experiencing the same thing. Chances are, they may be relieved to hear that you’re feeling the same way and want to find a solution together.
2. Make time for each other
In our busy lives, it’s easy to let our relationships fall by the wayside. But you must make a conscious effort to spend quality time together, even if it’s just an hour or two each week. During this time, put away your phones, turn off the TV, and focus on each other. Really listen when your partner is talking, and share your own thoughts and feelings in return. This quality time will help you feel closer to each other and rekindle the spark of intimacy.
3. Be understanding
If your partner is dealing with some trauma from the past, that’s making them less interested in getting intimate with you. Then you need to give them some time to heal. There could be issues like performance anxiety or erectile dysfunction in men, and you still need to try to be understanding. These issues can be difficult to deal with, and it’s important to support your partner through them.
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4. Remember that there is no single approach to it
While trying to help your partner, it is important to note that there are several ways to treat frigidity, depending on the underlying cause. If stress or anxiety is to blame, relaxation techniques such as yoga or meditation may help. If there’s a hormonal imbalance, your doctor may prescribe medication to correct it. And if there’s a medical condition causing the problem, treating that condition will likely resolve the issue.
This is important because you want to use the right approach to get the right result. Using the wrong approach with your partner will amount to a waste of your time and resources. So, find the underlying cause first, and you’d be halfway to getting them the help they need.
5. Seek help from a therapist or counselor
Most times, people cannot deal with frigidity on their own. Therefore, the best way to help your partner is to get them professional help. Sometimes though, some partners will tell you that they can deal with frigidity on their own even when they are struggling to, it is your duty to make them see the need for them to see an expert.
It can be frustrating and confusing if things are a bit cold and your partner seems distant and uninterested in intimacy. But, if you put in the right amount of commitment and energy, these are ways to heat things up again so your relationship can become enjoyable.
Conclusion
The two partners have no passion or intimacy when a relationship is frigid. This can be incredibly frustrating and discouraging, but it doesn’t have to end the relationship. It could be due to a lack of attraction or feeling towards your partner, or it could be caused by something as simple as not feeling comfortable during sex.
With some effort and honest communication, you should be able to reignite the spark and rekindle your love for each another. So, don’t give up hope if you’re struggling with a frigid relationship. There are ways to turn things around. Just remember that if every other thing fails, it’s important to talk to a professional therapist or counselor so that they can help improve your sexual intimacy.
