Online dating has never gone away, but the pandemic-induced lockdowns saw record numbers of people opting to try to find love online. While online dating is generally a positive experience for many, it can also take its toll.
The frequency of being ghosted or experiencing ‘breadcrumbing’ (where seemingly interested matches give you just enough engagement to keep you hanging around without ever committing) can strain an individual’s self-esteem and mental health.
As a result, a new online dating trend is emerging: guard railing. This relates to behavior we adopt in online dating to protect our energy and maintain our boundaries, so those ghosters and miscreants can’t mess with our minds – and hearts.
If this sounds like a helpful way to approach the world of online dating, keep reading for more information on this growing trend and how to incorporate it into your journey to find romance online.
Guarding Against Overwhelm
Guardrailing is a means to protect against potential overwhelm, as this approach asks us to be intentional about to whom and how we share our energy.
What does this look like on the ground of online dating? It means establishing boundaries and sticking to them.
If a potential match sends a message that makes it clear their values don’t align with yours, rather than suppressing feelings of discomfort (based on an underlying idea that you may not find anyone else), it’s about politely but firmly walking away.
Guardrailing also means taking care to avoid overcommitting socially. You don’t need to go out on multiple weekly dates if this is too much or doesn’t feel right. Do what feels right for you and give you the space for plenty of self-nurture and peaceful reflection.
So, when setting up your new dating profile, don’t hesitate to establish boundaries. Don’t want to match someone who is a smoker, doesn’t follow a vegan lifestyle, or is more than a certain number of years younger or older than you? Fair enough – indicate this in the profile questions.
Being Confident in Yourself
Guardrailing is about honoring and protecting your energy. To this end, know that you’re eminently worthy of love, and don’t be tempted to add filters to your photos or present yourself in a way that you believe is the ‘right’ way to do so.
If you wear glasses, for example, and are thinking about removing them from your profile pics, resist this! If you feel unconfident wearing your specs, think about investing in new frames or clear glasses (spectacles with translucent frames) to get on good terms with your look.
Similarly, be body confident: often, how we view ourselves is not what others perceive. If you feel conscious about your body, you may feel like only including shots showing your face – fight this urge because, whatever your body shape and dress size, confidence is by far the most attractive quality in a person.
Zero Tolerance
One of the most significant advantages of guardrailing is that it asks us to be more intentional about where and how we expend our energy in online dating.
It directs us away from a mentality in which we may believe that we need to grab onto every potential match for fear of missing an opportunity and due to subconscious beliefs about our own worthiness.
Instead, guardrailing invites us to assess – with our hearts and minds – the suitability of a potential connection and to be secure enough to decline a possible match or not take up the offer of a second date if we’re just not feeling it.
It also means that we listen to our instincts, and, at the first sign of unpleasant behavior such as breadcrumbing, we’re happy to cut our losses and continue our journey without a dent to our self-esteem or a bruise to our self-confidence.
The Emergence of ‘Open Casting’
The open-casting trend has come about as a direct response to guardrailing. Open casting refers to when someone moves away from a ‘type’ that they’ve always typically been attracted to and, instead, reaches out to types of people when online dating that they previously wouldn’t have considered.
This is inherently connected with more mindful dating practices, in which we honor what we need and perhaps break free from patterns that could hold us back.
Once your online profile is set up and you’re ready to begin scrolling through the profiles of potential matches, think carefully about what you’re looking for, and think twice before dismissing someone out of hand who could be a great match but maybe doesn’t ‘look’ like your usual type.
Taking a Break
And finally, guardrailing means accepting that it’s ok to step back from online dating to take a break whenever you need it. You don’t need a reason or excuse – if it’s become not enjoyable for any reason, then snooze your online dating account for as long as you need to – or delete it entirely – and come back when you’re ready and happy too.
Fundamentally, guardrailing is about keeping the focus on your needs and wants and retaining your power. To this end, it means preventing others from having the ability to knock your self-belief and knowing that no one has the power (or right) to undermine your sense of self-worth.
